The Pilgrimage...

I've been a "practicing Protestant" for over 30 years. I'd like to say that in that time, i have been a true Christian, a disciple of Jesus Christ, a Christ follower. I'd like to say that. I think i'd prefer someone else say that of me.

For the past 25 years i've been a particpating member of the Brethren in Christ Church; for the past 15 years i've served as a pastor; for past 8, i've been an ordained minister. Now what... In less than a month i'll not be pastoring a congregation or even vocationally involved in ministry. What, then happens to my "ordination?" Beyond that, though, there are things happening within the BIC with which i am tremendously uncomfortable... not the least of which is how ordination is viewed and how many pastors/missionaries are being treated when they leave - at least for a time - "vocational" service. But perhaps even more broadly is the uneasiness i feel with a seemingly "full immersion" into evangelicalism into which the BIC are headed, if not already there.

To add to this, as i read the early Church Fathers, early Church History (pre-Reformation) and the more i read and learn about the doctrines of both Roman Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy, the more uncomfortable i am with the apparent "headlessness" of protestantism and the seemingly intentional lack of connection to the historic Church, especially within evangelical churches. And on yet another hand (this "beast" is becoming far too "handy") i'm very concerned (unhappy? frustrated? angry?) with what corporate worship is supposed to be about and what church plants and 'contemporary' worship services have become (thank you, Willow Creek).

Yet I'm not ready to abandon the BIC - not at all. First of all, i don't know where i'd go. I'm not ready to convert to RC or Orthodox for a variety of reasons for each. Although I'm generally feeling "out of place" within the church, yet there are things within the BIC that i'm excited about and things i think i have to offer (am i just that arrogant?) the BIC particularly as well as evangelicalism, protestantism and the Church more broadly (i must be out of my mind with such haughtiness).

And so i'm going to pursue doctoral work in spiritual development, meet with and "pastor" some people with whom i've grown fairly close, find a local congregation to join and worship with and serve, and engage in ministry & evangelism to Muslims.

How is this going to work? I can't figure it out. Maybe all i can do at this time is whatever the next step is... which is about all i'm doing right now. My wife has been such an encouragement. She has actually encouraged me for about two years to pursue doctoral studies. Others have encouraged me as well, but more along the lines of Muslim ministry within the context of my studies.

Sometimes i think it seems to clear - but most of the time it doesn't seem clear at all. What am i supposed to be doing? What steps should i be preparing for? It's not "my future" i'm so much concerned about as how i can focus my attention best to honor my God. My decisions now have an affect on what happens next. What does it mean for me to be "faithful" right now?

Yet, even despite many times of unfaithfulness, willfullness and outright sin, God has been so merciful, so gracious, so patient, so kind. Should i seriously consider "converting?" Or do i stay where i am and "work from within?" God knows. Trusting him and what he knows and what he desires should be enough. Yet there is knowledge on my part that is needed. How do i know what to trust God for? How do i know what i can trust God for?

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord.