Not So Much

They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their
testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.
(Revelation 12:11)

I read this verse again (I've already read it numerous times) a couple weeks
ago. It's been on my mind... and bothering me. Actually, it's not the
verse that bothers me but the standard against which my life is compared.

Christians are going to be persecuted. Jesus says that (see Matthew 10).
He wasn't talking about those who call themselves Christians because they
don't associate with pagan religions. Jesus is talking about those who
follow him, those who seek to imitate him and to be like him as much as
possible, those who are staking their lives on trusting and obeying him and
what he taught.

Lately (over the past several months... maybe years...) I've begun to
question my own love for Christ, my understanding of the love he has poured
out on me, of the grace he has lavished on me. I tend to live so selfishly.
I anger easily. I despair quickly. I talk too much and pray too little.
I'm judgemental and arrogant. I tend to be manipulative and defensive. I
work towards self-comfort and flee self-sacrifice. Care for self is a high
priority. Love for others is, at best, small and fickle depending on what
it will cost me - or what I fear it may cost me. I'm calculating and
fearful.

Lord, have mercy.

How do I come to this point of being able to love as Christ loved me? To
give as Christ gave? To choose death at the hands of an accuser and
attacker for the sake of love rather than choose life through self-defense
for the sake of... well... self.

There are times, Jesus, I feel so far from your kingdom of light and life
and love. O grant me your Holy Spirit that my way of thinking and the
desires of my heart would more closely resemble your own.

Christ, have mercy.

To overcome the sting of death, to defeat the enemy and destroy the works of
the devil, my Lord entered into the very bowels of death, marching directly
into enemy territory and destroyed death and the devil from the inside out.
And he gained eternal life - for himself and for all. And now I must follow
him... despite my fear of pain and loss. For what good is it for a man to
gain the whole world and lose his soul. I must lose my life for the sake of
Christ and his kingdom if I am to have life.

Lord, have mercy.

"...they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." O Lord,
may I love my life not so much. Help me to love you with all my heart,
soul, mind and strength... and to love others as I love myself... as you
have loved me, Jesus.