Today's Grace

80 deliveries on my truck today - only one of which I actually delivered. Stuck
in the snow for 3 hours. Was really mad at myself for having even attempted
any deliveries today - but Wendy said it was the right thing to do... taking
responsibility for the job no matter what. But I was equally mad at Fed Ex
for not just closing down for the day. Besides... only a third of the
entire work staff (drivers, package handlers, etc.) showed up. (But I was
one out of only two drivers who made all their deliveries yesterday.)

Tomorrow? Doesn't look real good - but hopefully better than today... at
least in terms of the roads. Numbers of packages will be through the
roof...

Anyway, that's background to what happened while I was sitting and,
initially, fuming. I wasn't just fuming... If my anger had been actual
physical energy I could have melted the ice around me for miles. But then
my anger turned inward. I was angry for being so angry. I told the Lord
how much I despise that part of myself. It's been more apparent in the last
several weeks than it has otherwise been for a long time. At one point,
when I was talking to Wendy on the phone (which I did several times while I
sat), I told her how much I hate this s*** (yeah, I cussed - something that
is rare for me but less rare in the past few weeks). What I really hate,
though, is not being able to "handle" it - that I am still so clearly UNLIKE
Jesus deep inside. So I talked with God for a while about it. I plugged in
John Michael. (I device to play my music through the FM radio.) Then I
grabbed my Liturgy... ( I always take that with me) and prayed. I wanted to
find God's Grace at that moment. And I again realized the presence of His
Grace in prayer - that simply because I did pray grace was present, not so
much because my prayer brought grace (although I think it did to some
degree) but because, apart from grace, I wouldn't have prayed.

And I began to calm down.

I hate this "thing" in me... this beast. I wish it were just dead...
completely gone. But at least, until it is, there is grace that can reign
it in. How I long for the completion of God's work in me. How I long to be
like Jesus in every way.