Journal Entry for March 25, 2007

Here is my journal entry for today. (Why do i feel compelled to post this?)

I think this journey gets more and more difficult. Perhaps it becomes more difficult with the more direct path. It has always been uphill. Perhaps it was a long time of just going round and round the mountain. It makes for an easier climb but a much longer one. Perhaps I am headed more directly for the top. The destination is in sight and closer but the journey requires so much more effort… and tears seem to become increasingly inevitable. And the question, “Will I make it?” seems to ring more loudly and incessantly.

Today is the Annunciation of our Lord. I would have thought of comfort and encouragement today. The Incarnation of our Lord! Instead, I am made so aware of my own failure and sin again… more deeply than I have felt it for a long time. I am again aware of my weakness of my self-seeking, of my pursuit of comfort and ease and pleasure. Mary did not. The Mother of my Lord, the Mother of the Church, my Mother gave herself with “no holds barred.” I am a miserable wretch next to her… all the more next to my Lord who, because of her, is also my Brother.

I speak of one passion, of desiring only to be holy, to honor God, to give unblemished witness and praise to him. Yet my true passion is for my own ease. I seek, more than anything, to be rid of all discomfort. I simply want to feel good. And now, all I feel is pain, sadness, remorse, regret, sorrow. I feel trapped and my own fears are the chains.

Has not Jesus broken those chains? Has not He who is omnipotent provided everything needed for life and godliness? Cannot he who held the sun in place so the battle could be completed hold my heart, my soul so that his work can be completed in me?

I have no passion for teaching. I want to teach… but I have no unrestrained drive to pursue it. I do not know what I want to “do” other than just to rid myself of this “body of death” and be fully clothed in Life.

There is a deep and all-consuming work that I need to pursue – but it is beyond me. It is more than I can manage and requires more discipline than I have ever managed.

O God, do this thing in me. There is no one else to whom I can turn… no one in heaven, no one on earth I desire besides you. My body and even my heart fail me… but YOU are my strength, the strength of my heart, the strength of my life. You are everything. Remind me. Teach me. Hold me. Strengthen me.

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you…