Secret Advent

This year, Advent has taken a re-turn, of sorts, for me.

Twenty-five years ago I spent several Christmases working at a local florist, preparing as well as delivering flowers and flower arrangements. The week of Christmas was always a 100-hr week. Did that for ten years... and instead of loving Advent, Christmas and all that went with it, I began hating it. I had all the expectation of the "joy, wonder and splendor" but was so blitzed that, if it was there, I didn't enjoy it. It began a cycle of depression each year during Advent/Christmas that I had to fight (not always successfully) for many years.

For the past several years I haven't had to battle that depression so much largely because I was engaged in exactly all the "joy, wonder and splendor" of Advent and Christmas. Don't misunderstand. There were plenty of times that I didn't feel that joy but those were largely relegated to short periods of time for various reasons. For the most part I could give my time and attention to Advent and to Christmas. That's what I loved doing.

But this year it was back to having to live in the distraction. I deliver packages for FedEx, now. I didn't have a 100-hr week, but the effect was pretty much the same - exhaustion and distraction. I was not able to take the time for prayer as I had been doing, for the most part, every day this year. The habit I've been working on - intentionally stopping for 10 minutes or so three or four times during the day (mid-morning, noon and mid-afternoon) to pray using the Liturgy - had to be put on hold. So much to do, it seemed that wouldn't allow for those 10 or even 5 minutes. And when I wasn't working, I was so tired that when I got home I usually just ate and went to bed, then got up to go to work the following day. Mornings were radically altered from my usual 45 minutes of prayer because I needed sleep (sleep depravation and driving are NOT a wise combination). Evening prayer usually failed as i would fall asleep so quickly when i sat still for a little while.

I decided, however, that I would simply do what I could do and not fret over what I couldn't. So I prayed, as best I could, throughout the day. It wasn't just praying for help with deliveries. I frequently prayed the prayers I'd learned from the Liturgy... the Invitatory, the Benedictus, the Magnificat, the Gloria, the Te Deum, and, of course, the Lord's Prayer. It was worship. It was wonderful.

I had read something about working in such a way so that my work became my prayer. I don't know if I accomplished that or not. But I took time at mid-morning, noon and mid-afternoon to stop and pray even if it was for just a minute or two: O God, come to my assistance. Lord, make haste to help me. Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning is now and will be forever. And then I would pray the prayer Jesus taught his disciples to pray: Our Father, who art in heaven... There were lots of times I'd get busy and forget... but I kept at it and, sometimes, said my prayer as i drove or even ran to a door with a package.

I listened to Christmas music (yeah... I know, it's still Advent, but you know what I mean) and reflected on the words. Not the "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" stuff, but the carols and hymns of the Church. I listened to a lot of John Michael Talbot and Michael Card, focusing particularly on songs that included Advent/Christmas related material even if it wasn't directly themed that way. And even though I sometimes had secular music on, there were also long periods of time I had nothing playing when I could just quietly (as quite as a diesel truck engine can be, anyway) THINK.

The point in all this is that I didn't sink into depression. I adjusted both my expectations and practice. I looked for God's presence as often I thought of it and... SURPRISE... found Him!

St. Bernard spoke of a "middle coming" of Christ... the one that comes between his first advent as a baby and his second advent as the conquering king and judge. This year, I believe I really did experience that secret Advent.

Come, Lord Jesus.